Week Five: Failure

Ever have one of "those" weeks? Where you feel like you just suck and you remind yourself of your younger emotional teenage years. It feels like the week is designed perfectly just to have you fail. This week was one of those for me and, well, I do believe that this week was designed to let me fail, because in the end, I'm at a better place: more humble and more passionate and more desperate for God.
I'm not sure how it began, but I felt this underlying fatigue and strain. Maybe it's the moving around and not having a place to call home. On another note, my mother-in-law and sister-in-laws were in town, so we were busy trying to spend as much time as possible with them. The day of their arrival, we all hiked to Stoneybrook park and then got Garbage Plates (a mess of unhealthy food thrown together and covered in a meat sauce) at around 10pm. The next day, I had just gotten off of work and drove over to Grandpa's to see if they wanted to come over for dinner. I decided to throw together a quick chicken cobb salad. or NOT quick...The oven fuse blew, the girls couldn't figure out the TV remote, and Bobby (the main attraction) along with Jamie and Kristin, were all not home. So, Grandpa and Ruth were unentertained while I tried to get our salad (with no side dishes) together. Noooo BIG deal...it all worked out. Still, I felt that my hostessing "skills"(?) may have taken a little hit, and decided that hostessing is only fun for me when I have ample prep time. Two days later, the girls and Maureen came over. Bobby wanted to play the card game "Pitch" right away...a card game that the Browns begin playing at about 8 months old and are fiercely competitive with. I like Pitch but I often get it confused with Euchre and have only played a handful of times, so I still make stupid tactical blunders. Bobby decided to be my partner and quickly realized that I was sabotaging the team beyond all repair (I was really unfocused). His mom began chastising him for getting angry at me, and then I called a spade a club and he made a comment about how the geniuses that he worked with wouldn't understand such an error or something, and I morphed into a 2 year old who's told she can't have dessert before dinner, and stomped off nearly in tears saying, "I'm not playing with you anymore; you're being a jerk." This was in front of everyone.
I recovered myself right away and came down to apologize, but had to leave again to get a good cry out of my system and make things up with my husband. This is not usual behavior for me, and hasn't been for at least 13 years. So, what was up with that????
There was more. Bobby was having a rough week too because, although we were enjoying his family's visit, he wasn't sleeping as much as usual. I had a crappy day at work after getting two cavities filled and having a customer nearly lose it when she was going to lose $300 on returns. To top it off with a cherry, Bobby and I had a major back-and-forth when Kristin invited me to go dancing on Saturday night. Long story short, I made a bad decision and went...only for about 10 minutes, but it was enough to have heaped a pile of stinky guilt on my shoulders for going against my husband and remind myself that the club scene is sooooooooooo not the type of place I want to be at. I wanted to cry all of Sunday morning at church. But, Sunday was a breath of fresh air...church was about Paul speaking to the Corinthians, who thought they were elite Christians, entitled to privileged "deep" wisdom. He reminded them that the "secret wisdom" is the crucified Messiah and it's all about Him. Also, Bobby and I both had chances to really open up and share our beliefs and reasons for our actions with Jamie and Kristin, who continue to be wonderfully comfortable hosts. Even though I enjoyed hanging out with Kristin and her friend, she knows that I think I made the wrong decision in going.
Sigghhhhh....so where does this leave me? I don't know. In God's hands, as we all are, whether we realize it or not. If there is a God, then what He says is important. The Bible is His word. I'm so thankful for it, because I think that it will keep me from a lot of pain and guilt that I would otherwise create for myself if I was just trying to figure it all out on my own.
Lots of love...
Kara
ps...and I'm so thankful for my family and that we got to see them- it was a bright spot even if the week had some downsides (mostly of my own making).